Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
