I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
