can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
