I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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