Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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