If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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