My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
