i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
