I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
