Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
