i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
