I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
ttyl tear gas
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Randomize
