Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
