I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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