In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
