i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I am midnight drunk by noon
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
