yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
