I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
