Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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