i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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