I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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