I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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