Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she peed on how many people?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
