I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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