My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
