Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
