Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
