hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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