i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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