Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
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