I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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