I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
