the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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