you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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