I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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