Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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