Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
