Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
