Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She bit a glass in half.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
