I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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