I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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