I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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