Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
