Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
