it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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