I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
