Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
