I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
