Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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