Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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